


safe, better keep that thought to yourself

by amirlywritingfanficnow



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 911 Week 2020, Buck is a good brother in law, Episode Tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amirlywritingfanficnow/pseuds/amirlywritingfanficnow
Summary: But days after, he still can’t stop hearing it in his head, over and over.I love you, Howie. I love you, Howie. I love you, Howie. I love you, Howie.-For 9-1-1 Week 2020, Day 4: "Do you believe me?" + love
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	safe, better keep that thought to yourself

To most people, Chimney often came off as confident and self assured. He’s worked hard to get to where he was now and if achieving what he has didn’t bring him confidence, what would?

But lying to a girlfriend about things he’s never done and about places he’s never been isn’t something a person who was confident and self assured would do. It’s surely not something he ever thought he would do, but without the wall of stories, who he really was was just boring. 

He supposes it stems from his father’s unbearable expectations of him. He was supposed to be this great man in medicine with scholar friends and a beautiful wife ten years younger than him. He was supposed to be like this father.

When he doesn’t turn out to be what his father wants, it’s like, nothing he ever does is right. It didn’t matter that he was doing so well at being a paramedic and had a gorgeous girlfriend he wanted to propose to. He wasn’t following  _ his  _ plan for him so he’s not worthy of being his son after forty years. Albert was his new son.

So really, how  _ can  _ someone be self assured or confident in themselves when they’ve got an absent father whose expectations you never met. 

The low self-esteem just gets worse after the rebar incident. It should have made him feel great, he survived something not many would with no last effects. But Tatiana left him and even though he wakes up with Bobby on his one side, Hen and Buck on his other, having someone love him enough to stick around would have been nice.

He feels  _ stuck.  _ __   
  


His life isn’t going anywhere different than it was and Tatiana was married and pregnant. By the looks of it, she was probably conceiving it when he had the rebar stuck in his head.

Life finally changes when he meets Maddie Kendall, Buck’s sister from his elusive past that he never told anyone about until she showed up. He thinks she’s beautiful, funny, and can’t quite see the resemblance between her brother and her. He also can’t believe she thinks that  _ he’s  _ funny. And cute.

The dancing around each other brings up past insecurities, yeah, but he knows she has Doug she needs to fully leave in the past before she can let herself fully commit. Their friendship is powerful, too, so really he doesn’t mind.

He just wishes he hadn’t been so stupid. He unknowingly brought Doug to Maddie and almost got himself taken out in the crossfire. He feels like he should have known if it was Doug, but he believed in Jason Bailey and had actually come to appreciate a friendship completely outside of the one-eighteen. 

He tries not to blame himself but really, it was his fault Maddie was beaten and bruised while he’s in that hospital bed. They’re both okay and Maddie doesn’t hate him, but he does. Hates himself.

Things heal as time goes on, though, and they’re stronger than ever. 

When he tells her he loves her, and even though she can’t say it back, he believes her that the feeling isn’t one sided. That the love between them was mutual, especially after the night they’d spent together.

And he knows he shouldn’t be bothered by the “ _ I love you, Howie”  _ from her used as a clue to say that things were going down at dispatch. He knows it shouldn’t bother him because it got everyone out, safe and sound, and she was so smart to do so. But days after, he still can’t stop hearing it in his head, over and over. 

_ I love you, Howie. I love you, Howie. I love you, Howie. I love you, Howie.  _

Before he really started dating Maddie, he’d never realized just how alike Buck and him were. He hates admitting that they’re at all similar, but he loves Buck like a brother, loves his kindness and compassion. He’s sad that he and Buck are so alike in some senses, but once he gets Buck to open up, having someone that understands exactly how he’s feeling is refreshing.

“But does she  _ really  _ love me? She wasn’t just saying it to drop a hint?”

Buck rolls his eyes. “Maddie is in love with you, I know she is, I’m her brother. It’s just always been hard to say it for her. Our parents weren’t a great example of love and she ended up in a similar situation with Doug where she used it as her only defense sometimes. When she said it, it was an admission as much as it was a clue, Chim. You’re great, why wouldn’t she?”

Chimney smiles. “Thanks, Buckaroo. But you’re sure?”

Buck groans. “Talk to her about it if you don’t believe me. Tell her how you’re feeling like you should have done in the first place.”

“I don’t want a lecture from the king of  _ not  _ talking about how you’re feeling even though you should.” 

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, man.” 

“Mhm.”

Chimney does end up talking to Maddie about it. He’s just not the one to bring it up.

“Buck told me something interesting last night…” She’s trying so hard to be casual about it that it’s cute enough to distract him momentarily from the conversation in the air.

“Damn it, Buck.” 

Maddie giggles. “To be fair, he was drunk and seriously deflecting, so don’t get too mad at him.”

“Mhm. I’ll just have to get him back later.”

“I’d love to see it when you do. Howie, what I said,” she pauses. “I meant it completely. It wasn’t just a clue, okay? I said it because I meant it and if anything bad happened, I didn’t want to never be able to let you know.”

Chimney’s quiet, too quiet, as he tries to take in Maddie’s words and let them soak in.

**_“Do you believe me?”_ **

Maddie reaches for his hand and Chimney starts smiling, a small, soft smile he had reserved for Maddie and Maddie only. 

He brings their intertwined hands to his mouth and places a gentle kiss on top of Maddie’s hand. “Yeah. Yeah, I believe you. I love you, too.”

They both huff out a laugh through the tears in their eyes. They’re both tearing up, but for the first time in a long time, he feels happy and self assured.

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to kudos and comment! thank you


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